Two-party system leaves zero choice for depressed terrorist

Despite warnings of terrorist attacks at polling stations across the country on Election Day, the Department of Homeland Security announced that the sleeper cells were unable to launch an attack due to voter apathy.

In a statement released today, DHS spokesman Jay Morris said, “By systematically eliminating any real choice from the Presidential ticket, we knew that a good deal of the American public would be too depressed about the election to bother going to the polls. As a result, we believed that al-Qaeda sleeper cells located here in America would stay home so as not to blow their cover, and we are happy to say that we have been proven correct.”

One sleeper agent, living in a split-level house under the name “Ben Farrel,” agreed with the statement. After infiltrating the country almost a year ago, Farrel planned to detonate an improvised explosive device filled with metal ball bearings, large nails, and other sharp objects to “send a message to the imperialist American regime.” As the election drew closer and closer, he began to have doubts about whether his mission was really worth it.

“Every day there were newspeople on the TV talking about how Mitt Romney said this, or how Obama ignored that, and at first I thought it was interesting,” Farrel said. “It gave me something to talk about at my day job when I wasn’t watching crime drama or planning to unleash death and destruction upon the community. However, I later realized that they were talking about the same things all the time, and I couldn’t stand to watch the news any longer.”

Farrel said his doubts came to a head when he was invited to a co-worker’s house for a live debate drinking game, and the candidates were answering questions at a town hall meeting. “I was sitting there with a bottle of root beer in hand, and as I watched the so-called debate between the candidates of this Zionist puppet show, I realized that they were quite similar on the issues. Health care? Defense? The environment? Energy policy? They had the same ideas! Mitt Romney was more of a jerk about it, but there was virtually no difference between them!”

After that night Farrel had doubts about pretending to show up to vote. He considered loudly telling his co-workers that he would vote for a third-party candidate like Jill Stein or Gary Johnson, which would provide an excuse for him to be at a polling place. However, he was afraid of his attack being associated with “a candidate no one cares about.”

In the end, Election Day came, and he stayed home, too apathetic to even bother carrying out his diabolical plan. “What’s the point anyway?” Farrel groaned as he finished a bottle of root beer in one gulp, then continued, “Even if I could somehow shut down the polling place with a bomb, what’s my one bomb compared to the hundreds the C.I.A. drops on my family’s home in Pakistan? There’s no way I could make a difference.”

President Obama welcomed the news of the thwarted terrorist attack in a stirring press conference shortly after his re-election. “This should send a strong message to all terrorists at home and abroad,” Obama said. “You cannot destroy the freedom and democracy of the American people, because the people of this great nation have already done it to themselves.”