Troubled and Confused

Alla+and+Pete+consult+on+giving+advice+to+students+at+Montgomery+College+%28Photo+Credit%3A+Adriano+Cassoma%29

Alla and Pete consult on giving advice to students at Montgomery College (Photo Credit: Adriano Cassoma)

I have had hundreds of crushes in my life. I have lived in this country for six years, and I don’t know if I should keep trying with American women.

Every time I talk to a girl, she somehow runs away, scared. I changed a lot of things in me in order to be with one.

I changed the way I dress, I changed my hairstyle, I started going to the gym, with the intention of at least get one chance. Nothing. I can’t get anything from a girl, and I don’t know what I should do.

One example: I talked to a girl I like in my English class. It took me like 5 weeks to finally get 1 gut and talk to her, and I felt that I did good. The next class ( this class is 1 day a week), I try talking to her, she was walking behind me talking to another classmate. She says “bye” to him, and she avoided me, walking very fast, and moving as far as possible from me.

I am dealing with depression. I was diagnosed when I was 16 years old, and I am a very emotional person (unfortunately). To make things worse, I am very romantic, something that I really hate.

I don’t have many friends as for example ask them an opinion, because I already know their opinions.

I don’t know how to flirt, I don’t know how to talk to a girl, and this crap is driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do. I never have chances to meet someone, and if I meet someone, she doesn’t give me a  chance to know me.

I know the good things that I have, and I barely have girl friends. I think I only talk to 2 girls, but that doesn’t help me that much.

I am tired of feeling lonely every single night and start feeling depressed. Even going to the gym doesn’t help me with the endorphins.

I already lowered my expectations with girls, I don’t look at girls that are out of my league. The last time I tried with one of those, she called the police.

I need a really good advice.

What can I do?

~ Troubled and Confused

Alla and Pete consult on giving advice to students at Montgomery College (Photo Credit: Adriano Cassoma)
Alla and Pete consult on giving advice to students at Montgomery College (Photo Credit: Adriano Cassoma)

[one_half]

Hey Troubled and Confused,

This is really tough, but don’t give up.

You seem to be on the right track; you’re taking care of your appearance, which is always important. So don’t give up going to the gym and the other good habits you’ve picked up.

I think the main problem here is that you don’t seem to like yourself. If you don’t like yourself, why should anyone else?

That sounds harsh, but in reality it’s just in your head: you have to be confident. If you don’t like certain things about yourself, change them. You clearly have the motivation, you changed a big aspect of your lifestyle by going to the gym and changing appearance; keep that up! Now you should try to focus more on molding your personality.

Everyone has good qualities and bad qualities, including every single one of those girls you have had a crush on. You have to realize which of your qualities are good and which ones are not. Focus on the good ones when thinking of yourself, and highlight those when interacting with people. Also work to improve the qualities you don’t like as much.

For example, if you don’t feel that you’re as social as you’d like to be, go and put yourself out there. It takes practice, and sometimes you won’t succeed. However, the more you practice, the easier it will become. Analyze the social situations and learn from them. What traits make you want to be around a person, and do they seem like traits you’d want to have yourself? I’m not saying to become something you’re not; I’m saying to think about the person you want to be.

Become someone you’d be happy to be, not someone you think would make other people like you. Those two ideas usually go hand in hand, but they are very different. One is loving yourself, and one is depending on others to love you. The only thing that feels better than being loved is loving yourself, and that is ultimately what you should strive for.

I know it’s so incredibly hard to keep going with this mindset. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like.

It’s so hard to keep going, day after day, when you feel nothing is working and nothing is worth it. You might even be surprised by how many people can relate to you, but there are so many people who have been through and are going through the same thing. You are not, and never will be alone in this, remember that. There are tons of organizations that are in place to help you, even just here at Montgomery College. Try to find someone, paid or not, to talk to. It helps.

Instead of focusing on girls right now, focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Make more friends, especially female friends, without the goal of a relationship. After you’ve had a lot more practice interacting with people, start to go for a romantic relationship. Romantic relationships are a wonderful thing, but they take a lot of effort and cause a lot of heartache. Being rejected sucks, but it can get so much worse in a relationship. They aren’t all rainbows and happiness, so don’t try to find one to make you happy.

Just remember: you can do it, don’t give up, and it will get better.

Feel free to reach out to us again and I wish you the best of luck!

Alla [/one_half] [one_half_last] Hi Troubled and Confused,

First things first – try not to be so hard on yourself – I understand how tough your situation is.  It sounds like you’re trying very hard to make this work and you’re being so critical of yourself that you can’t see the silver lining.  If you’re going to the gym, maintaining good hygiene and putting yourself out there you’re already doing something right.

Personally, when things aren’t going great in my life – or at least, I’m not happy with myself or my circumstances my first thought is that a romantic relationship will fix me.  When I was younger, I would do just that.  They never ended well for two reasons; the first being that I was not in a good place, and therefore was incapable of being in a healthy relationship, the second being that when I had bouts of low self-esteem or just wasn’t feeling well the type of woman that would have dated me was oftentimes just as “messed up” as I was.

The moral of that story is that to be in a healthy relationship, or any relationship in general, you need to be in a good place yourself.

I have three suggestions for you:

I would recommend considering therapy for the depression-related issues – EVERYONE has good qualities (I try and see the good things or the assets in everybody I meet, and I know alot of other people do).  You are a good person, and you deserve to be happy.  The first step to that though, is seeking help, Montgomery College has counselors who are more than willing to talk to you, and more importantly listen to what’s going on and suggest where to go from there.

The second thing that I would suggest would be to continue the exercise – you mentioned that it does usually make you feel better.  Keep it up, it’s good for you.

My last suggestion would be to make more friends who are women.  I think it’s important to have platonic (friendly, nonsexual) relationships with both men and women.  Just be yourself, be friendly and open and try and make friends with some women in your classes.  It’s hard to do at a commuter school, but a good way to do it is to get involved, both in and out of class.  Be vocal, be talkative and ask people questions about themselves.  You’ll be surprised how much in common you do have with the men and women around you!

Stay positive, we’re rooting for you!

Pete [/one_half_last]