So I have been with this girl for almost a year now. Our relationship has not been very good for most of the time that we’ve been together. As bad as it sounds, I cheated on her. Not just once, but multiple times with the same girl over a one week period while she was out of town. We got into arguments about this for a while. Supposedly we had worked through this. She says it is just the past and doesn’t affect her, but I know that it does. I don’t want to hurt her anymore, but I don’t think we’re working. I don’t want to break up with her because I legitimately think this can work. I also still have a lot of feelings for this girl. We rarely have sex anymore, we don’t have conversations, and we get into arguments about eighty per cent of the time we hang out. The thing is, sometimes when we hang out she reverts back to the girl I fell for. The girl who was sweet, kind, and caring. I don’t know what to do. Is it even worth trying to continue to be with this girl? Sometimes it feels as if I’m forcing the relationship to continue. At the same point, we have talked about this to each other. How we both are feeling discontent. Neither of us want to break up with the other, but if we keep going the way we have been there’s going to be a lot more emotional pain. What should I do?

Hey,

From the way you’re writing out the problem, it seems you already know what to do. It’s not really working out, and you know it. It’s hard to break up with a girl you love, but let me explain why I personally think that’s the best idea.

I feel that “partnership” is a much better word than “relationship,” even though it isn’t usually used to describe heterosexual relationships.  The reason behind this is that a good relationship should be between partners. The couple should help each other work through problems, help each other become better people, and overall help each other to grow. When the relationship stops helping you grow and becomes stagnant, it is no longer healthy.

It seems that your relationship is not only stagnant but draining. You two aren’t helping each other but are rather creating more problems. She probably is still the girl you fell for, but it’s no longer the relationship it started out as. It’s extremely hard to end a relationship like this, but you know that it’s just detrimental to both of you at this point.

I don’t know every detail of your relationship, so I don’t know if it can be fixed. That’s up to you. But if you think you’ve done everything you’re willing to do and it’s still problematic, then you know what to do. It takes courage because it hurts, but it’ll be better in the long run.

Best of luck,

Alla

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Hey there,

Look, cheating isn’t the right thing to do when you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone; but let’s look at the facts, a recent MSNBC survey showed that 28 percent of married men and 18 percent of married women have cheated on their spouses.  I’m sure you can see that I’m not trying to validate or excuse what happened, but the point is – what you’re going through is not uncommon.

Ostensibly, your significant other hasn’t gotten over the cheating incident and although it is admirable that you are trying to be a different man, and that the both of you are trying to work through it – it doesn’t seem to be working.

I think what she’s going through right now, despite the fact that you guys had supposedly worked through this, is that she is confused about how to feel about you.  She feels hurt because of what happened in the past – but also sees the new you.  This is why she’s giving you the two-face treatment.

One prerequisite for a good relationship is consistency; and she’s failing to treat you the same way from one day to the next.  You can’t change the past and you can’t change the way that other people think and act.  Unfortunately, it seems that quite a bit of time has passed since the cheating incident – if she hasn’t been able to work through it yet, there is a distinct chance that she may never fully be able to open up to you again the same way.

I agree with Alla-the logical thing to do is to consider breaking up.  You’re young, and there are plenty of fish in the sea.  Besides that, I think if you spend a little bit of time single, you’ll come to enjoy it! As for me, at least, I’ve had some of my happiest and growth-filled times while single!

Cheers,

Peter

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