March 3, 2017
Controlled with “I’m not good enough” and I’m not proud to admit it, institutionalized, I keep trying to forget it, so what?
My mind is really distorted; I find nothing but trouble in my life.
Unfortunate, I believe in a dream. This orphanage we call education is quite a routine.
False perceptions of reality have really got a hold on me, institutionalized, why do I have to forget it, say what?
And last night was just another distraction on her reaction on what we consider madness,
I know exactly what happened: I felt good when I smiled and she smiled too.
I’m trapped inside my brain and I’m not proud to admit it, institutionalized, they put chains on us from an early age, so what?
She was just being polite, I was not trying to intrude but it was all I needed for introductions,
I bypassed the instructions and hit self-destruct mode abruptly.
I’m not doing what I love and I’m not proud to admit it, institutionalized, drown my sorrow til tomorrow, so what?
I saw the look in your eyes and it said “I need some help.”
I wish that I could give it to you, nonetheless,
I’m alone and I’m hoping that a better day erupts from my DNA because the charade of getting lost with friendly strangers is a fear, and truth be told, it’s real to me.
I’m coping with my stresses in the wrongest of ways, institutionalized, trapped in a mental maze, so what?
Certain situations, running from place to place is an interest to me when I’m running from all I consider sane, I’m writing this, no one else to blame but myself- the kitchen table is empty.
I said light in the darkness instead of being a hot mess, institutionalized, to be completely honest, so what?
I rise in the early morning, I’m tired of mourning ghosts, but I’m thankful they showed me who I was.
Till I look in the mirror and wonder if what I was before was truly authentic, am I attached to a friendship, am I mere mortal apprentice?
Lost in the feelings of a coming doubt, thinking to myself if who I am now is a passerby still getting high on mental metaphors and constellations.
I try to live up to a past version of me, my inner voice just screamed, so much for being free- this ain’t me, so what?
Numb to each of my senses, when will I come to my sense?
Am I a prisoner? my sentence can be truly bold. I know that I am daring, I know that I am caring but something about them staring seemed to shut me up.
I was always the outcast, I couldn’t afford to go bypass and exceed your pretty things and expectations.
I said I heard a little voice whispering inside my head, institutionalized, evolve or be dead, so what?
A stage in the making, the voice inside is mistaking these sad thoughts meet the happy ones again and again.
Or is it vice versa, I look outside, I am immersed in jealousy of what others seem to do and say, I sometimes used to wish I could have it their way but I’m stuck in the stairway of observation.
If I began to look inside, I would see that I’ve been blind, listening to what others see and it’s all make belief.
She said she needs to kill her ego, I said you need a better mirror, institutionalized, my vision couldn’t be clearer, so what?
You did it for others, you didn’t do it for yourself, cursed with losing who you are today.
Lost faith in my arms, if love was a false alarm, confusion, the lost cause, the high beams in the fog, my tank and my fuselage, no longer in the moment of who I wish I was,
She said “I don’t know where to get one”, I said detox for a week, institutionalized, THIS, drugs, friends, and me.
I’m staring dead in the mirror I can see it, I can see you, I can see me, oh yeah, clearly, oh yeah, once so dearly, oh please don’t kill me, oh please don’t kill me, am I scared to die?
Why? Cause I’m living the lie of other people’s fantasies, you are not alone, you’re scared to die and face the light, no wonder you adore every symbol of satisfaction constantly lost in distractions, our dearest fatal attractions, our misled opportunities,
Please don’t shoot me with scrutiny, please don’t censor me endlessly, I’m just doing me but I’m not.
She said that sounds kind of boring, I said rebirth in the morning, institutionalized, if not now, then when, so what?
I’m imitating the world I see, I just want to be happy, when I realize the one I love is a short-term buzz to nothing, something to nothing, something to nothing lasts forever as a damned endeavor, trapped forever, lost in eternities of goodnights and whatevers,
Oh please help me, oh please help me, oh god please help me,
I just want to fit in with the culture, I don’t want to die, I just want to fit in with a culture, I don’t want to die, I just want to fit in with the culture, well, surprise surprise,
it’s a spirit guide sent to awaken you, I’m not even searching for the words to say to you right now after an ambient silence, this is not for your sadness.
This is merely an observation of how I care too much, I say too much, I post too much, I’m out of touch with the fact that I drink too much,
I smoke too much, I watch too much TV, I play too many video games, I shop too much,
I watch too much porn, I want to laugh, I want to cry- but it’s just not appropriate.
I want to sing but the neighbors will judge me! I’m a good boy, I do as I’m told.
I’m living my life for the jealousy of other people. I don’t want to be punished. I just want to fit in.
I don’t want to be judged. I just want to fit in. I just want to be in my comfort zone.
I forgot what feelings are, I’m numb. I just managed to survive. I just want to stay alive.
I’m not responsible for the emotions of other people. I want to feel mad, but then I think to myself.
I want to jump out of my chair and explode, but then I think to myself.
I listen to my mind. My mind tells me what’s right and wrong.
I don’t want to look inside, I don’t know what I’ll find there?
Maybe my life is a lie, and I’m okay with it. There are moments where I hear that little voice and it tells me something is out of tune, but I drown it out and forget about it.
I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared to lose my friends if I’m alone.
I’m afraid that I’ll go to hell and I’ll stay there forever. this too shall pass
Oh, and if you see me around, do me a favor,
Whatever you do, don’t tell me the truth. I don’t want my illusions broken.